Is It Sinful to Love Ourselves?

Most of what John McArthur says here is correct.  However, I take issue with his blanket statement that self love is a sin. He proof texts his statement with the following verse.

“For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭3:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The entire sentence is 

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭3:1-5‬ ‭ESV‬‬

If you read the whole list you’ll find that all of these descriptions relate to someone who has an inflated ego and is very selfish. Yes, I would agree that this type of self love is sin. However, since he only gave a reference and did not qualify what he meant by self love, it would be easy for one to read that and conclude that all love for oneself is sinful, given the fact that many people will not take the time to look up the Bible verse referenced, much less read the larger context.

McArthur rightly says we are to seek to meet the physical and spiritual well being of our neighbor with the same intensity and concern as one does naturally for oneself.  In other words, love your neighbor as yourself.  

McArthur assumes that loving oneself comes naturally.  For most people this is true.  But there are people in our world who have trouble loving themselves for a variety of reasons and it shows not only in how they treat themselves but also in how they treat others.

Too often in Reformed and other Christian circles loving oneself is taught as being evil and sinful. Therefore people in these congregations are never taught what the Bible says in this area. As a result we have many depressed individuals who have grown up being taught only that they are depraved, wicked and that they should be self loathing. I believe there is a healthy Biblical self love, but it isn’t usually taught. 

Jesus stated in Matthew 22: 37-40 the greatest commandment in the Bible is: “‘ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

If you believe you are a worthless individual that is not capable of doing anything right and have nothing of value to offer others, it is going to come out in your relationship with other people. So it makes sense to me that we must have a healthy, Biblical love toward ourselves if we expect to treat our neighbors rightly.

The passage below, in context, refers to the role church leaders have in equipping us for unity and knowledge of God. Why?

Ephesians 4:15 “so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:14-15‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“Speaking the truth in love”.  We are to speak the truth in love to each other but also to ourselves.  If we are constantly tearing ourselves down by the way we talk to ourselves, this is not good and those bad attitudes about ourselves will eventually spill over on others.

Romans 12:3 “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Notice, this verse is not saying we should put ourselves down and talk poorly about ourselves.  It says in essence be sober about your estimation of yourself.  Don’t inflate your ego, but be realistic about your gifts and abilities. And the converse, goes without saying, a sober judgement of yourself doesn’t beat yourself up and consider yourself as worthless either. Respect who you are in Christ.

Acts 20:28 “Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood.”

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These were instructions from Paul to the overseers of the church.  Notice he makes a point to tell these men to pay attention to themselves AND all the flock.  I think there is a lesson here for all of us.

There is an instruction given preflight about oxygen masks. They always say to put your own mask on first and then help those around you with theirs.  I believe this instruction is similar.  Take care of yourself first and then take care of others. If you don’t care for yourself you won’t be able to be any help to others. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Philippians 2:4 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

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This gives us the balance between  loving ourselves and loving our neighbor. The passage above says “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. We are to do both. One who doesn’t take care of him or herself will eventually burn out and not be any help to anyone else. 

Psalm 139 tells us what God thinks about us. “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:1-5, 13-17‬ ‭ESV‬‬

We are fearfully and wonderfully made. God doesn’t make junk and we shouldn’t treat ourselves like junk or think of ourselves as junk.

Proverbs 19:8 “He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; He who keeps understanding will find good.”

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Do you seek wisdom? If you do then you love your own soul.

Something that I have noticed in Reformed teaching is a huge emphasis on the depravity of man and self loathing and very little teaching on who we are in Christ and how that relates to how we should think of ourselves and how we can live that out daily in our lives. This is not to say the depravity of man should not be taught. We need to remember that without the grace of God and Christ’s atoning work on the cross none of us can be saved from God’s wrath against us. And we also need to remember that all our righteousness is as filthy rags in light of God’s righteousness. But  I’m saying that people also need the balance of knowing who they are in Christ and how to think and treat themselves Biblically.

Loving ourselves in the way the Bible prescribes is not sin.  It is wisdom and it honors God who made us and helps us to have the ability to love others better.

Overcoming Emotional Abuse: Lessons from Scripture

It is my hope as I read Scripture, to find and share bits of encouragement that will help those who have been emotionally abused.  These are not meant to be cure all posts, but rather encouraging help in addition to outside counsel.

Read Psalm 109:

"Do not keep silent, O God of my praise! For the mouth of the wicked and the mouth of the deceitful Have opened against me; They have spoken against me with a lying tongue. They have also surrounded me with words of hatred, And fought against me without a cause. In return for my love they are my accusers, But I give myself to prayer. Thus they have rewarded me evil for good, And hatred for my love. 

Set a wicked man over him, And let an accuser stand at his right hand. When he is judged, let him be found guilty, And let his prayer become sin. Let his days be few, And let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless, And his wife a widow. Let his children continually be vagabonds, and beg; Let them seek their bread also from their desolate places. Let the creditor seize all that he has, And let strangers plunder his labor. Let there be none to extend mercy to him, Nor let there be any to favor his fatherless children. Let his posterity be cut off, And in the generation following let their name be blotted out. Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD, And let not the sin of his mother be blotted out. Let them be continually before the LORD, That He may cut off the memory of them from the earth; Because he did not remember to show mercy, But persecuted the poor and needy man, That he might even slay the broken in heart. As he loved cursing, so let it come to him; As he did not delight in blessing, so let it be far from him. As he clothed himself with cursing as with his garment, So let it enter his body like water, And like oil into his bones. Let it be to him like the garment which covers him, And for a belt with which he girds himself continually. Let this be the LORD’s reward to my accusers, And to those who speak evil against my person. 

But You, O GOD the Lord, Deal with me for Your name’s sake; Because Your mercy is good, deliver me. For I am poor and needy, And my heart is wounded within me. I am gone like a shadow when it lengthens; I am shaken off like a locust. My knees are weak through fasting, And my flesh is feeble from lack of fatness. I also have become a reproach to them; When they look at me, they shake their heads. Help me, O LORD my God! Oh, save me according to Your mercy, That they may know that this is Your hand— That You, LORD, have done it! Let them curse, but You bless; When they arise, let them be ashamed, But let Your servant rejoice. Let my accusers be clothed with shame, And let them cover themselves with their own disgrace as with a mantle. 

I will greatly praise the LORD with my mouth; Yes, I will praise Him among the multitude. For He shall stand at the right hand of the poor, To save him from those who condemn him."

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭109:1-31‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

The Psalmist has been emotionally abused.  The first paragraph lists his complaint. He brings his complaint to God and does not suffer in silence.  He pours out his heart to Him.

The next paragraph is the ruminations of one who has been abused.  The Psamist is not shamed for having sinned because his attitude is bad toward his abusers.  Scripture is brutally honest in recording the thoughts, feelings and emotions of one who has been abused.  It’s okay to have these feelings of anger and even revenge as recorded here. It’s part of being a fallen human.  It is what we do with these feelings and thoughts that turn them into sin or not.  

The next paragraph the Psalmist puts the whole issue into God’s hands, and pleads for His mercy and deliverance.

Lastly, he does not let the abuser define him and what he will do, nor does he allow the abuser to define his relationship to God. He decides with his will that he will praise the Lord.

Main Lessons in Review

1. Do not suffer in silence alone. First of all bring your trouble to God.  While not in the text, it goes without saying, that you should seek counsel as well.

2. Do not feel guilty or allow a counselor or anyone to make you feel guilty for being angry for the way you were abused.  This is a normal human response to being mistreated.  Allow those feelings and emotions to come, but as Scripture says, ""Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath,"

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:26‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

When you brew and stew in your anger,  when you bring it up in your mind and dwell on and become bitter over the situation, then you have crossed over into sin.  Each time it comes back at you and you are tempted to stew over it, hand it back to God.  Remind yourself that when you hang onto the anger, you are only hurting yourself and allowing the abuser rent free space in your head.

3.  Trust God to help you through this. He will give you wisdom to do what needs to be done.

4. Do not let what the abuser did define who you are or what you do.  Praise God for His unfailing love.  No matter what the abuser has told you, God loves you and because of Christ you have worth.

Disclaimer: I do not intend these studies to be exhaustive or to be complete solutions to the complex issue of healing from abuse, but rather encouragement and a supplement to other methods of help for this issue. If you are in a physically abusive situation, do not stay. Get yourself to a safe place.

I Will Be Labeled a Hater for What is Heavy on My Heart

It is difficult to articulate what I am thinking on this topic. It’s one of those trigger topics that cause people to go ballistic.  But it’s heavy on my heart and I just need to say what is on my heart.  

There is a growing trend in the world to experiment with "alternative lifestyles" as some might put it. This would include the whole gamut of LGBTQ+.  

Many parents think that homeschooling their children will protect them from these things, but I have found that homeschooling parents cannot protect their children from these things unless they choose to go live in the woods without internet and television.  I have been saddened to see young adults my kids grew up within the homeschool community, transgender themselves, making life-altering changes to their bodies and personalities, some of which can not be undone. And more recently it came to my attention that another of one of our children’s friends who was homeschooled has become gay.  My heart sinks when I see these things.

Our society has lost its moral bearings.  On Facebook when I have attempted to discuss these and other moral issues I have been met with accusations of hate, intolerance, been told to quit referencing an antiquated book and get up to speed with science and labeled any number of other horrible things.  I’ve been told it’s none of my business how these people choose to live and expose themselves in public parades.  

Our nation was founded on the principles of moral ethics found in the Bible and that is what made our nation great for so many years.  If there are no absolutes in the area of moral behavior, then a nation begins to break down into moral chaos.  

What are some of those moral absolutes?

The Ten Commandments contain some of them that should apply to all of us regardless of our religious beliefs. The commandments that deal with our relation to others are...

Honor your father and your mother.

You shall not murder.

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not steal.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

You shall not covet.

These should govern all our lives regardless of our religion and life would be much improved as a result.  It would solve the issues of abortion and crimes that take the life of another, disrespect for our elderly, marriage infidelity, crimes against other people and it would cause us all to be more content instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Here are just a few verses that have to deal with gender, that if people who claim to be Christians read and internalized, I don’t see how they could accept the idea of transgenderism or gay marriage.

Genesis 5:2 2He created them male and female and blessed them. And he named them "Mankind" when they were created.

Genesis 1:27 27So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Galatians 3:28 28There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

And then there are Scriptures regarding marriage and the genders to be involved.

"And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.""

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭19:4-6‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/114/mat.19.4-6.nkjv

The problem is that those who have been raised in the church and that are now joining the LGBTQ+ movement, either through a lack of solid teaching and Bible study or simply a rejection of what the Bible has to say in favor of what society has to say, have rejected the moral code in Scripture and replaced it with their own or that of society.  It happened in Bible times. This is seen in  passages in the Bible where it says the following:

"In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes."

‭‭Judges‬ ‭17:6‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/114/jdg.17.6.nkjv

God often gave the people up to their own devices to let them bear the consequences of their own choices.  I am sure at first they thought everything was fine since God is longsuffering and patient. But it never turned out good in the end for them.  Sodom and Gomorrah are examples. The great flood of Noah’s time is another example.

I know I will be accused of all sorts of ugly things for writing this.  I want you to know I am not writing this out of hate.  I am writing it out of sadness as I see people who my kids care about throwing God’s absolute moral code out the window in favor of whatever seems right in their eyes for the moment.  I’m not trying to throw water on their celebration or ruin their life.  I just see artificial happiness being created that one day will come crashing down on them, whether in this life or at the final judgment, where they will look back and regret what they have done.

"There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death."

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭14:12‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/114/pro.14.12.nkjv

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

‭‭Romans‬ ‭6:23‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/114/rom.6.23.nkjv

"For "whoever calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved.""

‭‭Romans‬ ‭10:13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/114/rom.10.13.nkjv

True joy comes from a true relationship with Jesus Christ and will result in a life that wants to please Him.

Depression and Other Mental Health Issues

The above is a quote from a book on Biblical Counseling.  I do not have the actual book, only photocopies, but I believe the book title was Good Mood Bad Mood by Charles D. Hodges, M.D.  I could be wrong on that, however.

The premise of the book is that there are no tests to diagnose mental illnesses such as depression and that all the literature that says it is a result of chemical imbalances use terms such as "believed to be", "may be", "appears to be"  etc.  (Similar to the weasel words you see in fake news!) Therefore, the depressed person really doesn't have a physical issue but behavior and spiritual issues that if taught properly how to apply Biblical principles can be handled without medication.  Now the book is not telling people to go get off their medications, nor is it telling the Biblical counselor to encourage them to drop their meds.  But if the person is making progress with applying Biblical principle to their life, and they feel like they can get off their medications, then they are to do it with the supervision of their medical doctor.

The book does mention that some depression issues can be brought on by medical problems such as thyroid problems for example and once that is corrected the depression is corrected.  So a person suffering from depression not brought on by outside circumstances needs to be evaluated for medical problems that might have brought on the depression.  This is where, in my opinion, things fall apart for many people.  I'll explain below.

The conventional medical practitioners of today seem to be bound by the FDA, insurance companies, the CDC and the drug companies.  If a test is not accepted as common practice, then that test is not done.  If a particular diagnosis is not common practice, then that diagnosis is not given or even considered and may be scorned. If a patient falls into this area, they are told it's all in their head. This is a disservice to many people who are needlessly suffering mental problems and depression for no fault of their own. 

This is where Biblical Counseling, while still appropriate, assumes that because the person has no diagnosed medical problem, then they are failing to apply Biblical principles to their life and thus remain depressed.  It is most frustrating to the Christian person who can not get a correct diagnosis because of the failure of conventional medicine.  They are left with persistent problems of depression or other mental problems and made to feel it is their fault when it is not.

Let me explain what I am talking about.  There is a branch of medicine that is not accepted by conventional medical practice that is called Environmental Medicine.  This branch of medicine deals with environmental causes for physical illness, mental problems, depression etc.  These triggers can be chemicals, molds, foods, food additives etc.  Any of these things can cause persistent depression or mental problems along with a host of physical problems.

There are very few of these doctors around the United States, but Rick and I were able to be patients of one 30 years ago and were treated for a number of food and chemical sensitivities for a period of five years.  Unfortunately, due to the cost of treatment and the fact that our insurance would not pay for it, we had to discontinue treatment. We also ended up moving out of the area where the doctor was located, making it an 8 hr drive if we wanted to go back to him.  It has been detrimental to Rick's mental and physical health that we could not continue treatment.

I will describe some of the testing and how it works.  It is called provocation/neutralization.  A minute amount of a suspected offending agent is injected under the skin.  The wheal is measured and the patient waits ten minutes, writing down any symptoms and how they feel.  Then the dose is neutralized by either injection or sublingual drops until the patient is back to baseline.  Then the neutralizing dose is recorded.

Here is an example of what might happen during this testing.  For myself, when I was tested to chemicals that were common in new building construction and plastics, I immediately dissolved into tears and uncontrollable crying.  There was nothing I could do to stop it.  When the neutralizing dose was given, within ten minutes I was happy as a clam. It explained to me why grocery shopping was so difficult for me.  Not only would I become emotional, but I would have panic attacks in the grocery check out. The plastic produce bags were the offending trigger.  Now if I had gone to a regular doctor and complained about this, I would have been sent to a shrink, convinced it was all in my head and given medication. A Biblical Counselor, bless their hearts, in the absence of definitive tests, (because a conventional doctor wouldn't order this kind of testing) would have made me feel like I was sinning in not using Biblical principles to apply to the "emotional problem".

Another example was when Rick was tested for soy sensitivities.  As soon as he was given the provocation dose he became very angry.  The technician suggested he go out and take a walk and come back when it was time for the neutralizing dose.  For a person who has a reaction of anger to something they are eating, yet they don't know that it is something they are eating, this is very puzzling. It's a reaction that seems to come from nowhere and is hard to control because it's happening as a result of, well, a chemical imbalance of sorts due to what they just ate.  The neutralizing dose returned him to his calm self. 

The missionary who referred us to this doctor has a daughter.  This was when their daughter was a young teen.  She would just fly off the handle for no apparent reason sometimes and become so defiant they didn't know what to do with her.  They got a recommendation to see this doctor.  When they started testing her to various foods, one food test, in particular, sent her off the edge.  She was fine, being polite and conversing with her mom and others in the room.  The provocation dose was given and she flew off the handle.  Everyone in the room was shocked at how mouthy she was all the sudden and for no apparent reason except that she had just been given the provocation dose of corn.  They endured ten minutes of her railing at everyone in the room, then gave her the neutralization dose.  Within minutes she was her happy charming self.  Given how quickly she could fly off the handle for no apparent reason, if taken to a psychiatrist, she would have been medicated.  Given the uncontrolled outbursts, she would have most certainly been told by a Christian Counselor that she was sinning because she was not applying Scripture and mortifying her sin.  But how could she when she was being acted upon by something she had eaten.  She could not control her reaction any more than a person who has an allergy to shrimp and breaks out in hives.

In all these cases the treatment was sublingual drops taken once a day, which desensitized the body to the offending substances.  Rick and I were treated for our sensitivities for about five years.  I no longer react to plastics and building codes have required building materials to not be toxic anymore.  Rick does better with soy and some of the other things he reacted to, but he really needs more testing and treatment because he still has a lot of trouble. Sadly, distance and cost without medical insurance has prevented us from being able to get the treatment he needs. 

My purpose in writing this post is to bring awareness, to those who do Biblical Counseling and other Christians, that sometimes people who present with mental health problems that do not get better with counseling and the counselee working to apply Scripture to problems could be actually suffering from reactions to things they eat or chemicals or molds or even dust mites in their environments but they don't know it and no conventional medical doctor will refer them for the proper testing and treatment. 

It makes me sad to think that there are people who truly want to feel better but who never will because they don't know that it is their environment or what they eat that is sabotaging them and those who try to help them unbeknown to themselves inflict more anguish on them while either telling them it's all in their head or they have a spiritual problem.  So sad.  But there are no answers as to how to help these people when the medical establishment has failed them and Biblical Counselors really don't know what is happening to them either. 

I wish there were some good solutions, but until the medical establishment is willing to accept that there are other effective tests and treatment out there and the insurance companies are willing to pay for these things, and the environmental doctors are not ostracized,  there will be a host of people who will not be able to live the happy healthy lives they want to live in spite of applying Scripture to their problems.  It's like trying to apply Biblical principles to a case of the hives and expecting them to go away just like that.


Academy of Environment Medicine
https://www.aaemonline.org/

Dr. David Buscher
http://www.drbuscher.net/

Seeing Things With A Different Perspective

Photo Credit: Marcia Darby

When I saw the top picture in my news feed on Facebook I was struck by how beautiful it was.  The bridge is the focal point, but the sunset is what sets it off and makes it a stunning picture of the bridge. 

Take a look at the same bridge from a different angle without the sunset.  It's really nothing to get excited about.  It's rather drab and frankly quite ugly.

Think about your life and the trials you might have.  Those trials are ugly when looked at from the earthly perspective that focuses on self.  But take those same trials and hardships, change the perspective to a heavenly perspective, a perspective that sees that God is in control and He will work it all out, then it's like the top picture.  The ugly bridge is still there, but the perspective has adorned it in such a way that it brings glory to God and encourages all those who you come in contact with.

I don't know about you, but this is a challenge for me.  I tend to have a melancholy outlook when things aren't going well.  I pray that I will do better in this area.  

"And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28

What Should a Christian Do When a Rift Sours a Friendship Within the Church?

Whenever there are imperfect people in an organization, be it the church or some other organization, there is always going to be some sort of friction pop up from time to time.  Sadly, once in a while the rift will sour a good friendship and depending on the dynamics,  there is no way the friendship can be returned to its original state.  Usually, one person is hurt far more than the other and the other seems oblivious to the injury.

So, let's say the one person apologizes for the fact that the relationship can't be like it was before, but they do not acknowledge the hurt and apologize for deeply hurting the other person and the other person has tried to follow the Matthew 18 prescription for ironing out offenses.  They tried to talk it out (over email because the other person refuses to meet in person).  They suggested having a mediated meeting with the pastor, but the other person refuses to do that.  

""Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’"

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

So, now there is this stressful feeling, for the person who was hurt, whenever they go to church because there is the awkward feeling of not belonging and a dark cloud hanging over everything.  They find they are not sleeping well at night due to the unresolved nature of the issue, and their whole life is being impacted by it, including that of the other household members who know things are not well. What are the options for this person?  How should they handle the situation?

There are a number of options that can be put on the table, some of them better than others.

1. The person can contact the other person and explain the issue of the incomplete apology and how it is affecting them and seek to get a resolution.  If this is an understanding person they may quickly understand the situation and seek to make amends, not necessarily putting the relationship back the way it was, but at least making a good faith effort to admit having hurt the other person and asking forgiveness.

This would be ideal if the other person responds favorably, but since we can not control the actions of other people, it might just be a point of contention and they might feel like the other person is trying to control them.

2. The person could choose to leave the church and go in search of a new one where new friends can be made.  There are several possible problems with this idea.  a.) the grass may not always be greener on the other side of the fence b.) the grass may be greener for a time but what happens the next time an offense happens and the person doesn't want to follow the Biblical model for making things right? Do you leave in search of a new place of worship? 

3. Quit going to church.  This is a bad idea as it violates God's Word where it says we are not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  The body of Christ is community by definition.  "And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:24-25‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

4. Let the other person go (as hard as that may be), continue to treat them kindly, but begin to make your own space in the church.  Focus on what you can learn, how you can change and grow in your faith.  Focus on other people, how you can be of help, what you can learn from them.

As hard as it is to learn, you can not change other people.  You can not control what they do or say.  You can not make them apologize for something they don't see the need to apologize for.  Plainly put, there comes a time when you have to decide to let go of them and whatever the issue is and live your life the way God wants you to.  Hanging on to the hurt, trying to make them acknowledge their wrongdoing and allowing it to drag you down, making you lose sleep and wrecking your life just isn't worth it.  That only perpetuates the awkwardness in attending church with them and ruins worship for you.  There comes a time when you have to consciously give that person over to God and let go of them.  It goes like this:

Lord Jesus, You know I have been hurt by this person and you know I have tried everything according to Scripture to resolve this, but it doesn't seem to be resolvable.  Lord, I'm going to give this person and the relationship over to You and I'm going to leave it in Your hands to do with as You see fit.  Help me to be content in Your will.  Help me to always remember that you suffered a far worse injustice when you took our sins on the cross.  Let me be thankful for the church family I have here. There are others here that love me and are encouraged by my faithfulness, please help me to continue to be faithful here if for no other reason than to be an encouragement to these others.  Please take my disappointment and help me learn contentment in You and You alone, so that in the future, I won't be knocked of my morings when someone else disappoints me.  Thank You, Lord for loving me. Amen.

Doubting God

When trusted friendships go awry, people you trusted turn out to be untrustworthy, marriage partners can no longer carry their share of the marriage due to illness, or other issues, what is the Christian person to do?

Some turn away from God and blame Him for not keeping the situation under control.  After all, He is all knowing and all powerful. He could have prevented the situation and He did not.

Some don’t turn away from God, but they become doubtful and depressed because He did not prevent the problems that arose.  They stall in their Christian faith, not losing it, but just not growing in their faith.

Others run to God for comfort and wisdom.  They find solace in His Word and realize that only in God can they find their strength and meaning.  

In my experience and observations, I find that people in the first two categories often are in this state because they have come to depend too heavily on the good gift of the relationship and on the other person, instead of on the Giver of those good gifts.  

In the case of someone who puts a pastor up on a pedestal and then the pastor commits some heinous sin, people who loved and trusted him have two choices.  They can either become cynical about Christianity and leave the church in disgust or they can let the situation drive them closer to God as they realize people will fail them, but God will not.

It’s the same dynamic in personal relationships.  When a person becomes too attached and dependent on another person and then that person betrays them or somehow makes a detrimental change to the relationship, it is easy to look at that circumstance and feel that God has failed you, when in reality God did not fail you, that other person failed you.

God did not create His people to be robots.  He created us with the ability to choose and the ability to grieve His Holy Spirit.  Otherwise the Bible would not tell us to not grieve the Holy Spirit. So God gives people the freedom to make choices and He weaves His sovereignty in and around the choices that He knows we are going to make.  He can and does take the bad things others do that upset our applecarts and He turns those things around and uses them for our spiritual good and His glory if we cooperate with Him.

When a friendship goes sour, or when unexpected circumstances strain a relationship, one way we can measure where our stability is anchored is by our reaction to the upset.  If we are completely knocked off our moorings, plunged into depression and doubting God, then our meaning and stability was anchored in that relationship instead of God.

This is the time to step back, take some time to get alone with God and re-anchor yourself to the Rock.  People will fail you. God will not. Trust Him to use your problems for your spiritual good. Use this time to dig into His word and learn that He will always be there for you.

There is the old joke about the man and woman in the car (back when cars had bench seats).  She was sitting over by the passenger door. She says to her husband, "Why don’t we sit close anymore?"  Her husband looks at her and says, "I ain’t moved." So often this is true for us. We have some difficulty come up in life that sends us for a tailspin and we begin to lose our joy in the Lord and we ask, "where is God now that I need Him?" God never moved.  He has always been there. We just need to change our perspective and look to Him instead of focusing on our circumstances.

One of the best places to see this put in practice is in the Psalms.  Time and time again David is in troubled circumstances.  He starts the Psalm out complaining and by the end of the Psalm his perspective has changed and he is focusing not on his troubles but on God.  David allows his troubles to drive him closer to God.  We need to be anchored to the Rock, not other people or circumstances.

"From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭61:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Greetings this 2018 Thanksgiving and Christmas Season!

Greetings this 2018 Thanksgiving and Christmas Season!

This has been a very eventful year for us. The picture above was taken when Sarah came out to
visit for a couple weeks the end of October.  More about that later.

This year began with Sarah and I leaving the day after Christmas for a road trip across the United
States to Pinehurst, NC where she had an apprenticeship waiting for her. It was an 8-day road trip.  
What an adventure that was! We had perfect weather the whole way once we left Idaho and entered
Nevada. The only bad weather (blizzard) happened the day after we arrived at her condo she
had rented. God was so good.

Sarah is now a permanent employee and resident of NC.  We miss her a lot. She loves her social marketing job with Classical Conversations.  It’s a homeschool curriculum company.

So Nathaniel turned another year older in March as did Sarah in January right after we arrived in
Pinehurst.  So they are 25 and 22 years old. Hard to believe. Where has the time gone?! He is now working at a grocery store and so far likes it.

Rick and I celebrated 35 years of marriage this summer.  We went to Kennewick and had a motel night.

It wasn’t exactly as I had hoped.  I was hoping we could go walk in the park and maybe have
a picnic, but the wildfire smoke was so bad we had to stay inside.  Driving over we couldn’t see a lot
except for a wall of smoke ahead of us. Oh well. We made the best of it and we enjoyed the time
away in spite of the smoke.

Sarah came out to visit end of October for a whirlwind two weeks.  She had many friends she wanted to see and spend time with, so we shared her and enjoyed the time we had. We had a combined
Christmas/Thanksgiving dinner and gift exchange while she was here since she won’t be coming out for the holidays..

Sarah and I went on a 10-mile hike in the Wallowa mountains one day while she was here. I am not in
shape for hiking, so I paid for that for almost a week after, but it was still satisfying to know I still have
it in me.

We also took a day to go see Mom, Blayne, Becky and Dan in Walla Walla.  That was fun. Lots of
laughs there.
.

This year has been a busy crazy year, that is for sure.  In other news, we changed churches. God has blessed us and it has been good.

We have learned this year to trust God with our lives and the details of our lives.  It has been encouraging looking back over the year and seeing how God orchestrated all the details, even using what looked like bad circumstances for our good. And letting our child take off and fly away

from the nest is a real exercise in faith. He truly is faithful!

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is,
and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” ‭‭Heb, ‭11:6‬
Do you believe Him?

Abuse in Churches Becoming Rampant

My heart is heavy as I have been reading the comments below the court reports of the Chantry Trial on the "Thou Art the Man" blog.

I can not remain silent on this issue.

I'm seeing a pattern of people who have been abused spiritually through the years in Reformed Baptist churches, many of them from the ARBCA association.  

We fled an ARBCA church due to psychological abuse of our son by a church member and a church leadership that defended the actions because of the supposed good motives of the abuser.  They tried to turn the table and make the abuser the victim and our son the problem.  This is typical in abuse cases of all types and while I did not expect that to happen to us, we were not surprised when it did.

At the time we were angry and upset that we had to flee what we thought was a good church.  We had been taught by implication that there were no other churches as good as this one and the deacon's wife tried to reinforce that when she asked where we would go.  At the time I was not sure and she made me feel like there was no other church good enough, but we could probably attend a particular one, however, we would have to avoid certain people over there that had left the church because they were bad people and they were attending that other church. 

After the dust settled, we learned that Tom Chantry, whom the pastor had told us needed prayer because he had been arrested for something from his past, actually had been arrested because victims of physical and sexual abuse had come forward to accuse him and bring him to justice.  But that is not the impression we were left with by the pastor.  We were never told anything about victims or the horrific crimes that were committed against them.  One boy was beaten so badly that he had deep bruising from buttocks down his thighs and his mother said he could barely walk to the car when she picked him up from tutoring with Chantry. There are five victims who have testified and it's horrific what they endured.

So I have been following this trial closely and reading the comments at the end of the blog posts for each trial day.  I have discovered that ARBCA pastors have indeed been trying to cover this diabolical up among the churches.  I have learned there were two reports drawn up by the three man ARBCA committee that investigated it. One that said he spanked the children for his own pleasure and that recommended he not pastor another church.  They did not report this abuse to the police and instead hid this report from the parents.  He was taken into Providence Reformed Baptist Church in Tacoma for counseling, but the people there were not told why he was there and told not to ask questions.  There was no care for the safety of the children in that church!

Don Linblad knew there were abuses, as can be seen in the

Motion in Limine Don Linblad.

On the witness stand Linblad tried to be evasive.

The Judge then admonished Pastor Lindblad saying he was intentionally evasive and non-responsive to Eazer’s questions. He told him if he did not understand a question he should state that, otherwise he needed to answer her questions. He then asked Lindblad to step down and leave the courtroom.

Judge Astrowsky then admonished Eazer for her question, “why, as a Christian…” He said bringing anyone’s religion into a question was inappropriate and he would be referring her conduct to the State Bar. He was also clearly upset with Pastor Lindblad’s conduct on the stand. He stated that if his evasive and non-responsive answers continue he would admonish him again and perhaps cite him for contempt of court and strike him as a witness! He said he would make this clear to Lindblad when he came back into the courtroom and John Sears said he would also speak to him.

Eazer told the Judge that her line of questioning was intended to impeach Lindblad for giving damaging, untruthful testimony.

Once court resumed Lindblad did marginally better answering Eazer’s questions. It was evident he was still not being truthful on several subjects, other times he grudgingly answered.

Eazer got him to admit that he knew the 2000 ARBCA investigation was about more than reconciling the two parties for some light spankings Chantry had administered during catechism class. He admitted that the ARBCA was investigating bare-bottom beatings administered to three boys with hand-crafted paddles, a boat oar and other instruments and Chantry then rubbing their bare butts.

Eazer stated to Lindblad that you were very well aware of what Victim 2 had said. Lindblad said “yes.” And you were aware that the allegations against Chantry were a bit more serious than administering a spanking during a catechism class. Lindblad said “correct.”

Here are some patterns I have observed that have been seen in Reformed Baptist churches, mostly ARBCA but also others:

1). Total control of the church by the pastor/elders.  The people have no say.

2.) Evasive answers by pastor/elders to direct questions asked by people of the congregations

3.) Blaming the people if they come and bring concerns about how the church is run...saying things like "What wrong with you?  Noboy else is complaining!"

4.) Many have said that they dealt with depression and hopelessness while attending their Reformed Baptist church and it did not lift until they left the church

5.) Some have said that when they left the church they felt free and cried tears of happiness every week in their new congregation

6.) Business meetings in an envelope (in other words no opportunity for the congregation to ask questions or have a real business meeting).

7.) Sermons that are intellectual and academic, but without real application or power.

8.) Sermons that are devoid of passion, emotionless.  (Read the impassibility doctrine on ARBCA website. Their view of God might explain this)

9.) No outreach programs or opportunities for ministry, such as VBS, nursing home ministries, etc.  Very ingrown. In fact churches that have ministries outside the preaching are disparaged and the impression is given that people who want to be involved with a ministry are just proud and want recognition.

10.) Focus on how depraved man is, much focus on mortifying sin, but no real focus on the fruit of the spirit and spiritual gifts.

11.) Teaching that we need to tolerate each other, give a wide berth, put the best construction on things etc, but no real focus on how to love one another and what that looks like.

12.) Teaching by example that Christian liberty can excuse all kinds of aberrant behaviors and excuse the pastor from responsibilities to protect the flock

12.) Teaching by example and word that deception is okay if your motives are good.

13.) Saying things from the pulpit about people that have left to put fear in people that their reason for leaving is not valid and if they dare leave for that reason they too will be talked about from the pulpit

14.) Preaching from the pulpit about things shared with the pastor in private, meant to humiliate the person.

15.) Gossiping about those who have left the church so others will shun them in public or cut off communications with them.

16.) Bullying

17.) So far, four ARBCA churches including the one I left have had members or pastors with abuse cases come before the courts now.  I have to wonder if this is just the tip of the iceberg.

18.) One way accountability....the people to the leaders but never the leaders to the people

Why am I writing this?  I'm writing this because I am heartsick to see the widespread damage that has been caused by these churches and their leaders.  There are many good people in these churches but they are being spiritually abused and in some cases there is physical/psychological/sexual abuse going on and it is being hidden.

Many parents have reported that because of their time in these churches their children no longer have a desire for the things of God.  Many have reported that they have lingering problems of depression due to the abuses they endured in these churches. It breaks my heart. 

If you are a member or attender of one of these churches, I beg you, please take a close look at what you are in.  Are there things that are being done that make you feel uncomfortable, but you put it on the back burner because you don't want to rock the boat?  Are there things that don't seem right, but you do not say anything to anybody because you are fearful of how it will be taken?  If either of these questions is true of you, then you are in a bad place.