What Should a Christian Do When a Rift Sours a Friendship Within the Church?

Whenever there are imperfect people in an organization, be it the church or some other organization, there is always going to be some sort of friction pop up from time to time.  Sadly, once in a while the rift will sour a good friendship and depending on the dynamics,  there is no way the friendship can be returned to its original state.  Usually, one person is hurt far more than the other and the other seems oblivious to the injury.

So, let's say the one person apologizes for the fact that the relationship can't be like it was before, but they do not acknowledge the hurt and apologize for deeply hurting the other person and the other person has tried to follow the Matthew 18 prescription for ironing out offenses.  They tried to talk it out (over email because the other person refuses to meet in person).  They suggested having a mediated meeting with the pastor, but the other person refuses to do that.  

""Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’"

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:15-16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

So, now there is this stressful feeling, for the person who was hurt, whenever they go to church because there is the awkward feeling of not belonging and a dark cloud hanging over everything.  They find they are not sleeping well at night due to the unresolved nature of the issue, and their whole life is being impacted by it, including that of the other household members who know things are not well. What are the options for this person?  How should they handle the situation?

There are a number of options that can be put on the table, some of them better than others.

1. The person can contact the other person and explain the issue of the incomplete apology and how it is affecting them and seek to get a resolution.  If this is an understanding person they may quickly understand the situation and seek to make amends, not necessarily putting the relationship back the way it was, but at least making a good faith effort to admit having hurt the other person and asking forgiveness.

This would be ideal if the other person responds favorably, but since we can not control the actions of other people, it might just be a point of contention and they might feel like the other person is trying to control them.

2. The person could choose to leave the church and go in search of a new one where new friends can be made.  There are several possible problems with this idea.  a.) the grass may not always be greener on the other side of the fence b.) the grass may be greener for a time but what happens the next time an offense happens and the person doesn't want to follow the Biblical model for making things right? Do you leave in search of a new place of worship? 

3. Quit going to church.  This is a bad idea as it violates God's Word where it says we are not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.  The body of Christ is community by definition.  "And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:24-25‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

4. Let the other person go (as hard as that may be), continue to treat them kindly, but begin to make your own space in the church.  Focus on what you can learn, how you can change and grow in your faith.  Focus on other people, how you can be of help, what you can learn from them.

As hard as it is to learn, you can not change other people.  You can not control what they do or say.  You can not make them apologize for something they don't see the need to apologize for.  Plainly put, there comes a time when you have to decide to let go of them and whatever the issue is and live your life the way God wants you to.  Hanging on to the hurt, trying to make them acknowledge their wrongdoing and allowing it to drag you down, making you lose sleep and wrecking your life just isn't worth it.  That only perpetuates the awkwardness in attending church with them and ruins worship for you.  There comes a time when you have to consciously give that person over to God and let go of them.  It goes like this:

Lord Jesus, You know I have been hurt by this person and you know I have tried everything according to Scripture to resolve this, but it doesn't seem to be resolvable.  Lord, I'm going to give this person and the relationship over to You and I'm going to leave it in Your hands to do with as You see fit.  Help me to be content in Your will.  Help me to always remember that you suffered a far worse injustice when you took our sins on the cross.  Let me be thankful for the church family I have here. There are others here that love me and are encouraged by my faithfulness, please help me to continue to be faithful here if for no other reason than to be an encouragement to these others.  Please take my disappointment and help me learn contentment in You and You alone, so that in the future, I won't be knocked of my morings when someone else disappoints me.  Thank You, Lord for loving me. Amen.